Welcome to the fourth eagerly awaited installment of Your Comic Sucks. This time we're looking at Amazing Spider-Man #541. Now, I know what you're thinking. Isn't it too easy to hit a JMS book? What are you some kind of bully? I know that it's like hitting a special kid over the head with a shovel just so you can steal his ice cream, but it was REALLY bad. The most 'Amazing' thing about Spider-Man these days is that I still read it.

Let's get into it.

I'm glad that they decided sacrifice the opening to the gods of exposition. I'd hate to be lost during this fucking masterpiece.

Few things here:

1) Wilson Fisk aka Kingpin is in prison. Despite this, he has a cell phone. Not only does he have a cell but he has one of those retarded Bluetooth things that makes it look like A) there's a spaceship in your ear and B) you're a fucking crazy muttering hobo shuffling down the street talking to yourself. Oh right, and Spider-Man has the Kingpin's prison spaceship phone number on speed dial. Awesome!

2) The Kingpin thinks that his death would be a "violation of the laws of nature." This strikes me oddly for a few reasons.

I've broken every law ever Kingpin ..... except for the one against masturbating in front of a fat man while he eats ice cream.

Watch your back Kingpin

Watch your back

What the hell? When did Spider-Man turn into a vampire? Seriously, the sneer - what's up with that?

I vant to suck your ..... blood? eh - whatever.

One time I used that heartbeat trick on someone that cut in line in front of me at a coffee shop.



Guy: What do you mean I cut in front of you? I've been here the whole time.

Me: You know I can hear your heartbeat. You're lying.

Guy: Sorry dude, go on ahead.

It works every single time.

"The terror in his eyes lets me know he's telling the truth." - Jesus Christ maybe he's terrifyingly bored. I know that I am.

I know MJ is coming and I can't let her find me hanging out with a dude in the ambulance bay. Run away! Run away!

Ah, the old desk made of money trick. It wouldn't ever have become a cliche if it didn't kick ass. What's that? It's never or at least rarely ever been done before? Maybe it's because it's far-fetched and silly.

Oh but wait, there's more of that coming.

Take 1: When he talks about being "kidnapped", I choose to believe that he really means "man-raped."

Take 2: The Kingpin's makin' it rain bitch.

Ok so there's been some off-panel action here. Yeah I know, big fucking surprise. I think I can infer here that the Kingpin had a desk, mattress, chair, and sink stuffed with money. You know? Because that seems reasonable.

Oh right, and let me be the first to say: "Nice sack".

All of this talk of Peter "saving" himself for the Kingpin seems a bit odd. It's almost like he doesn't know whether he wants to fuck him or kill him. Draw your own inferences. I won't be involved in this sordid business.

By the way, Spider-Man would never do this. Please disregard these panels, this page, and this entire issue.

What I want to know here is:

How did this guy get out of the well or shaft that he was hanging in on the last page? I think maybe Ron Garney should look at his own pages once in a while.

Just a thought

"Then the bad people come."

Are you 6? Are you retarded? Who the fuck talks like that? Jesus Christ, it's like JMS lost a bet to a vagrant that he met on a boxcar and now he has to let him write the dialogue.

Despite how bad this story has been so far, this is where it really comes off the rails. You can either laugh or cry and crying won't help anything. Please to enjoy.....

Hey, who remembers that issue of ASM from 43 years ago where Peter's blood was given to May in a blood transfusion? I do. I do. On second thought, no I don't. Oh wait, you mean this one?

Nope, still don't remember it.

And after all of this she says: "WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO?"

Yeah that's right, she's down. She's going to shoot up an old lady in a coma with poison blood. Now that's love, or at least a desire to get her out of the picture. I like this new blood-thirsty MJ. We'll have her hooked on smack and doing ass to mouth for drugs any time now. Way to go JMS!

OK so now she's breaking into the supply closet and stealing things like a junkie. And so it begins....

Also, how the fuck do these two idiots know how to do a blood transfusion? How does Peter know how the boxes will be marked?

This story has plot holes that you could fly the fucking S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier through.

So we're to believe that Peter decided "a long time ago" that there was a scenario where they could steal medical supplies and give May a ghetto blood transfusion?

ok sure.

You know, to be fair, I've developed mental contingency plans to inject my radioactive bodily fluids into my family members too. I guess that it does make sense. Nevermind.

What does JMS have left to lose?

An audience. Come on man, get it the fuck together.

I've got a few things here.

First of all, who decided that Peter should be tie-dyed in this panel? Honestly, I think that Jerry Garcia's ghost colored this issue.

Secondly, why are the guard towers at the prison firing laser beams into the night? Anyone? It's like they made Cyclops into a prison. There's a metaphor in there somewhere and it frankly isn't buried very deeply.

So the Kingpin paid the guards enough to let all of the inmates out of their cells? What? Aren't they worried about being killed? They are the only thing between this cabal of murderers and rapists and freedom.

I know that it seems silly to still be arguing about the logic of all this but .... fuck man!

Again with the macho bullshit! I'm going to send JMS some trades of ASM immediately. Maybe he'll get it eventually.

You.

Me.

Brass Knuckles

50 Paces

dumbass

Oh my god, what are they talking about? What could be this fearsome?

Rosie O'Donnel? Hippies? Genital Warts?

Random army rambling, mumble mumble mumble

"We've got a cold one" - They're using all of that technology to track down beer. They're like 16 year olds with their own munitions dump.

That's eXXXXXtreme!!!!!!!!@!!!!!

Unless you offer them a job ....
or soap....
or someone laces their weed with speed

Establishing the rules, right I get it.

Don't feed them after midnight
Don't get them wet
Don't ever read this

"I'll be sunday brunch" WTF
"Queen Tut" That's so eXtreme

I'd like to warn you in advance about how ridiculous and offensive this book is, but chances are that if you're here you expect it and don't really care. Garth Ennis is one of my favorite writers. He choked on a gigantic dog cock with this one.

I include the cover not only to start things off but as my first example that shows this book was drawn by a retarded child.

Well, unless you're Barracuda

or Jack Bauer, Wolverine, Chuck Norris, Pete Rose or the Earl of Sandwich

A few things:

1.Who decided to put Dennis Rodman in this book? That's an odd photo reference choice

2.When they show Dennis on the cover, he's CAUCASION. Seriously, scroll back up

3.The 'Daddy Touched Me' shirt - come on

4.The title of the issue 'Curious and Bi-Curiouser' is ridiculous. I'm all for dick jokes. Hell, I've already done one in 3 pages here. Do you think the cheapness of the title bodes well for the issue? I don't.

Sadly, this hasn't even really begun to go off the rails yet. It will fall so much further.

And it begins...



There's something very awkward about the way that many white writers write black characters. Ennis seems to have problems with this. This is one of the first examples in this book. It gets far worse.

Also, how many times really can we go back to the 'lady' well? We're going to find out.

WARNING: BLATANT FORESHADOWING AHEAD

WATCH FOR FALLING HACKS

(seriously though, how could the transvestite not trick some dude into having sex with him? what kind of book would that be?)

The next page just establishes some more of the lame plot. The CIA is watching this whole scene unfold and explaining the political situation in Ennis' fictional South American country.

I include this panel to show you the first appearance of Chirstopher Walken.

The missing page just establishes that Christopher Walken is a mob boss working to arrange a coup apart from a few others in a massive clusterfuck triple-cross.

So the President of Santa Morricone is into dudes in drag? Well played, Mr. Ennis. And by well played, I of course mean offensive and cheap.

For those of you that don't know, marícon is spanish slang for the word 'faggot'. So the President of 'Saint Faggot' is into dudes in drag.

Way to go asshole

Oh look, a molestor priest. Thanks I needed more cliches.

Hemo is the son of one of Christopher Walken's rival mob bosses. I also skipped some panels where Jesus took Dennis Rodman upstairs to fuck.

Oh wow, the wife of President Jesus is involved in the plot to overthrow him. Surprising, you never see plot devices like that used. Call the Pulitzer people.

Yeah, his gold teeth literally say 'FUCK' on them. Because he's that cool.

Just mentioning this, the ONLY black character in the book that dresses as a man has GOLD TEETH.

Until Barracuda finds his machine gun and kills all the people that Dennis Rodman hasn't.

This panel actually brings up a point for me. It's less prevalent in this book, but in this series so far Ennis has written Barracuda as if he were a black Smurf. It wouldn't be out of character for him to say something like this:

'Can you n-word me an n-word n-word? I need to n-word before I n-word'

The next 3 pages are all firefight. Shockingly, they are less necessary and interesting than anything that has come before. I will not photshop them. Fuck that shit.

High points - Hemo walks through all the bullets in the middle of the firefight(he's magic) and Barracuda gets shot. It's only a fleshwound.

Of course you're happy to kill him - he's one of them there gays

Really, what the fuck happened here? How can such a good writer write such crap?

Christopher Walken is a big racist. Everyone knows that. I saw it on Dateline.

On a serious note: Was that really necessary? Does it improve the story?

Little did I expect when I stumbled upon this comic that it would be a perfect symphony of shit. My horror is now your amusement.
Let's Begin!

If you'll notice (bottom left), this is published by a company called Bleeding Edge. There are 2 distinct reasons that this is stupid. Does it mean that this work is out on the Bleeding Edge of what is cool? Does it mean that the company is owned by mopey little pissants looking for reasons to make their parents wish they'd never met? Could be either.

I'm guessing that this is a suicide note written by some asshole who doesn't have the balls to go through with it.

Let's check: awwwwwwwww - the writer has a mopey little Goth prick for a son. He's the inspiration for this and the line of goth kid dolls. Remind me to find out what his name is and kick him in the nuts.

Fiona's leaving her home on a train for Paris. Awesome. Now we'll get to hear her pretentious coming-of-age story in a country reknowned for being pretentious itself.

I'm so happy I could change my name to Azreal and write bad poetry. Er, I mean I'm so sad.

Life is bleak

I'm a freak

We'll all be dead in a week

Boo hoo hoo

Where am I headed to? HELL. I'm going to Hell where it won't be so dark and bleak. Is that a frog or a vagina on your head?
It's a frog's vagina

That's so meaningful

Panel 1: Seriously? Skull-n-crossbones in her eyes. That must be a joke.

They're a reflection of the world and my soul. Death take me!

Panel 2: What she means to ask her is:

'Why do you dress like a dead prostitute?'

This page sucks so much that I almost can't even comment on it. Oh well, I'll soldier on.

"It's a good thing I had a street tough like you around to save my purse."

"His soul is as dead as mine."

Panel 1- Goth girl - 'I think she's trying to fuck me'

Panel 2- Goth girl - Wow. A job offer and it's not even to do fetish porn.

Row 1- 'Ho ho ho - hello stereotype. my name is stereotype. Perhaps you'd like some fine wine or cheese.'

'Cheese makes me think of my father.<sob>'

Row 2 - 'That will be 80 francs or one of your american blowjobs.'

She looks out and Paris and death fill her eyes. Oh the bleak horror.............

Looks like someone doesn't know the difference between a youth hostel and a crackhouse

Seriously, this guy? Did the artist use a hobo for a photo ref? And like that place rents rooms in any other way than by the hour.

This room is desolate - like my soul. It's perfect. It makes me want to weep. I will use this room to bring being a poseur to a higher level.

This is where playing a stereotype that I don't understand comes into its own. She's in Paris - oh fuck she needs a croissant.

There's a whole city out there and the first person you choose to talk to is the pretentious bondage transvestite. OK, wouldn't be my choice but whatever.

My name is Dru with dots over the u because I'm Germanic and scary. Cry

Yeah - that thing's a dude and I'm a koala bear
Where are you from? If you're from Jersey, I'm not that weird at all.

I'm here for art school - I must show the world how bleak it is. It is what I was born to do. I would die for my art you know. Look at me - I'll do a cartwheel.

I'll be there in black plastic. What's it called again? Club Date Rape - ok thanks

Shifting to another group of stereotypes....

Let's sit around and talk about Poe because we're bleak and dark caricatures of real humans with bad tattoos.

Sounds absolutely dreadful. I love it

Face tattoos? Seriously, 99% of these assholes are just asswipes looking for attention. Likelihood of face tattos: 0.

It's hard for anyone to do an adaptation of a Poe novel that will impress the hardcore 'scorpion on the face' fans

I almost don't have the words for this guy. He's like a mad lib stereotype explosion. Face piercing, hideously ugly, crossbone tattoo.

I'm permanently crying because I'm so dark. Why won't daddy buy me a pony?

Let's talk about 'Blood Diamonds' because it's dark and I can get weepy about it. Honestly, move out of your house if it bothers you so much. Your every meal comes from blood and pain. Have some fucking balls for once in your life.

Let's foreshadow the brother who must be evil because he's different. Dah, dah, dannnnnnn

A haunted house tour - really? Let's go on a tour of cemetaries. That will be so bleak.

I love the names in this horseshit. Wormwood, scorpio, pisspot.

Here he is: Brother Country Club. I'm glad he'll be as 1D as everyone else. He's into mutual funds and polo.

We will get the best of him with our razor-sharp evilness.

Hypnotica, Devastatia, Belladonna. They're going to the Underground? What - they can't get into Cemetary?

Brother Country Club is off to a hazing.

I'm down to earth. The maid calls me on the cell phone.

First off, of course she tried to kill herself - she needs coffin cred. Also, seriously, I'd kill myself if I were her too.

Secondly, is every mental hospital in the world called Bellevue? just a thought

A ghost slit your wrist? It's a good thing the Gloomy Gang is around!

The Gloomy Gang is on the job!

Gloomy Gang! They're just like the Scooby Gang but they suck.

It's not possible that such a depressed poseur would want to kill herself. I don't buy it.

Gloomy Gang! Excuse me housekeeper, can I come snoop around? I want to pull the mask off of Old Man Jenkins.

Gloomy Gang! HA- a sink no wonder she tried to off herself. OK, now to steal some shit and be off to Hot Topic.

If I were the housekeeper, I'd never be able to bring myself to clean the bathroom either.

Gloomy Gang! I'll do more than that

Gloomy Gang! Foreshadowing her future. Hey what's this thing?(she's never seen soap - get it? whatever)

Both the art and the writing on this page make me want to hurt myself.

Here comes Alton for the pretentiousness contest. sweet

He may be an asshole, but when you're right you're right.

Ah rich people, it's a good thing we're better than all of them.

Porsche Owner = Date Rapist. Everyone knows that. I don't even need the Gloomy Gang to tell me.

Gloomy Gang! On the trail of the real killer - unlike OJ.

Meanwhile, back in Gloomyland we stumble into some hygeine banter. If you ask me, it's just what the doctor ordered.

And ironically the hygeiene lesson ends with Devastatia demonstrating a bar of soap. nice one 'author'

Ha ha ha - The GG have their incorrigible member.

Ugh - What is this thing you call soap?

Asshole - push harder and CUT DOWN NOT ACROSS

Gloomy Gang Tip #1 - Hippie-proof your knives by hiding them in bars of soap.

It must be him. He plays POLO! and he doesn't even wear black.

Let's run away man. He'll get away with it and we'll see sweet haunted houses.

Apparently this character just came to life and realized what the author has gotten her into.

What is she trying to quit? Masturbating in public? This will be fun.

Back in LA, with Gloomy and the Pussycats.....

We might not even have to fuck the club owner (I doubt it)

It'll be totally gloomy punk rock. We can sell albums out of the trunk and eat ramen. You might have to blow a dude for gas money - but it's rock n roll

I'll get my hearse serviced. You sir have removed my need to make fun of this panel. Thank you.

Back in gay paris

Ooh the 314 Club, it's a good thing I learned how to read numbers in French.

Nurse Hypochondrianna? Again sir, I have been bested. This I cannot follow.

I write gloomy poetry.

Isn't calling yourself a bondage model just a nice way to say that you're a chick who gets drunk too often?

And here's the payoff - bondage tranny is the writer's son

Yes, you read that right. Joani Rotten

I wish I were in a diabetic coma right now. Also, I hope that 'Merci Beaucoup' means 'I'm sorry.'

That phrase is actually French for 'I want to fuck you vapid girl'.

Oh shudder!

Britney?

Ugh - just ugh

The Gloomy Gang are on the road again. They just can't wait to drop tears on the road again.

This? This is where they pull out her powers of hypnosis. Apparently, she was bit by a radioactive bondage model and well the rest is history.

Ah - so gloomy

I'm taking her out for brains. hrrm

And that I hope is the last we'll ever see of them.